Darwin’s Patent Panopticon – Pt. 3.

Human ingenuity never fails to astonish, leave dumbfounded, and/or smiling. I mean, just look at this:

No, really. This is the main diagram in the US patent for a ‘manually self-operated butt-kicking machine’:

But wait – it gets better when it all gets described in words!

“The Butt kicker is very user friendly with the number of kicking repetitions, type of repetitions, speed of operation, amplitude or height of the kicking cycle, magnitude of the kicking force, and impact and energy of the kick all controlled by the user or operator. This invention is a new, novel, and unique machine with multiple uses, which range from amusement to fundraising and from motivation to discipline. The objectives of this invention are also many, including, but not limited to, teambuilding, self-therapy, to inspire creativity, and to be used as a model for future devices and works of art.”

Btw, it turns out there’s a whole industry (well, almost) dedicated to administering carefully placed kicks to the backside. Here’s another automatic boot-up-the-butt device I discovered in the patent database (seek, and ye shall find:).

I mean, really? Seriously? Oh yes :).

Let me give you few more examples from the surreal world of patents. So here we go… with more tales of Darwin’s Patent Panopticon.

1. Wash your hands ears before eating.

Humanity has come up with all sorts of devices to help restrain the wild tendencies, and increase the comfort, of the lives of their pets – including muzzles, veterinary collars, doggie-diapers, and so on. Well, progress in this department knows no bounds, clearly…

For now there’s a solution to the eternal problems caused by the long ears of certain breeds of dog every day. Long ears flopping into their food bowl? Long, hairy ears getting caught on branches when out walking? Long ears getting thoroughly dirty on walks?…:

2. Builders Crack for the 21^st century.

There’s builders crack, right? Well, some bright spark has gone one further to make an art out of it – and patent the ‘invention’. Which is just great, as now anyone can have the modern equivalent of builders crack even in properly fitting (high-waist) trousers. And not just any old crack…:

3. Simple Slider? No, a Patented Design.

Trolling with a patent on an ‘invention’ is so last decade. These days it’s much simpler and more effective to troll with patents on… design! Like how Microsoft did against Corel for this here patented slider:

But this patent isn’t as hilarious as it is dangerous. How many such sliders, cursers, buttons and other widely-used elements of design lie in the archives of patent trolls, who are waiting their turn to shake down slogger-developers who had the temerity to use them?

4. Playground Swings: Patented!

Playground swings. A swing hanging off a large branch of a tree? Remember them? Well, if you dare make one – you could be trolled for it!

5. You Scratch My Back, I’ll Scratch My Back.

Man’s best friend deserves better. Including scratching and stroking on demand, in case ‘man’ isn’t around. Enter the ‘scratching and petting device for household pets‘:

I reckon ‘man’ wouldn’t mind a go on this too. I mean, just look at the dog – he seems to be relishing the experience, so why not his owner?

6. A Plastic Stick: Patented!

This isn’t simply a stick, but a stick made of any kind of suitable material that’s lighter than water, fluorescent, and breakable into smaller sticks for smaller pets. And if you combine it with the scratching and petting device… ah – no: impossible! It’s patented!